As I Stand

I stand there with the cool wind whipping my face, whispering its secrets from the day just gone. A train zips past, full of empty minded people totally unaware that I watch them on their journey home. Home lights in the distance hover like static lighting bugs frozen in time.

And me………I stand there, on the edge, with a black abyss beneath me……..heavy thoughts weight me down.

Just remember you drove me to this, with your thoughtless words and dismissive ways, with your harsh looks and secretive actions. A heart like mine is fragile and the tape that holds the pieces together can easily become unstuck. And as the pieces fall their place is filled with a hopeless void.

So I stand here, looking down, wondering if there is another way, but my heart tells me there is not. This is the only way to rid myself of the empty space that now fills me. And the step forward I take is an easy one, freeing me from all my pain. As the air rushes by, its voice is soothing, telling me that soon everything will be ok. Then for a second I feel crumpled and broken, but this soon passes to peace as the cold water embraces me, filling me. And soon my mind is free and my heart no longer broken………………..no longer beating, not for you, not any more.

And in the time to come you will stand there, looking over me and wonder how it came to this. But just remember...........you drove me to this!!!!!

The Story Behind "As I Stand"

Looking back through old blogs I first posted this on the November of 2012, but I am sure it was written a couple of years before that. It was at a point when my depression was at one of its lowest points. It was triggered by someone who I thought I could not live without, but in reality it was someone who had manipulated me into thinking that way. In hindsight it was a toxic relationship that I am glad I walked away from. 

During that time I had lots of dark thought and honestly thought the world would be a better place without me in it. At the time I thought myself a coward because I didn't feel I could go through with any of the life ending ideas in my head, but in reality I was stronger than I gave myself credit for. My subconscious knew that the Universe was not finished with me and I still had much to learn. So instead I wrote, stories, poems, one liners of thought. It got me through so it worked and "As I Stand" was one of the resulting pieces.

You will be pleased to know I am all good now, well as good as an anxiety and depression sufferer can be when they are in control. But life is not bad and I have much to be grateful for.

The piece I wrote is to follow, please do feel free to give any feedback, thoughts or feelings xx

New Year, New Blog

The new year is upon us and before I get going on what us to come I think it is only right to reflect on the past year and the lessons learnt.

2018 was a year of ups and down, people coming into my life and some of the same leaving. I have learnt a lot, things i can do and things that I can't. But I can happily say that I have come out the other side a better person.

The positive from the year is that I joined an amazing mediumship circle. The group is made up of the most wonderful people and not only as I learnt a lot, I have made great friend to. Right at the end of the year I even manifested myself a new job, even if it was by accident, and it fits in perfectly with my interests.

My biggest negative for 2018 has been my battle with keeping my anxiety under control. There was a horrid situation where by a "friend" decided to accuse me of doing stuff that I had not done. But rather than do the decent thing and approach me they posted an inaccurate account in their Facebook group. This turned into some indirect bullying, some of which was quite nasty. I say indirect as I am guess only her admin team knew who she was on about, not the rest of their following. I did approach said person to give them the opportunity to say something, but it was all just skirted around. So I did what any sane person would do and walked away from a very toxic situation. However, this was a horrible thing to go though and it pushed me to the brink of an anxiety breakdown. But, it was a lesson given to me by the universe that I needed to go through and I have benefited from it. I learnt how to release those people from my life that are no good for me and my energy. I learnt how to release people from my life, to forgive, and to move on. And that is what I have done with my head held high and my energy protected.

On to what is to come. 2019 is going to be about getting focused, learning and developing more....I can't wait. 2018 gave me some good lessons, I have learnt that I need to trust my intuition more, where my true support lays and I feel like I am finally starting to find the direction my life is supposed to take.

I am delving deeper into the Law of Attraction, plan on developing my mediumship more and learning reiki. There are other areas I want to develop to such as increasing my confidence with tarot, learning more about trance mediumship and getting my crystal healing courses finished.

Another thing I will be working on is my mental health. I have never hidden the fact that I suffer with anxiety and depression and I hope to share how my experiences with my spiritual side affect that. 

As you can also see I have rebranded my blog. I am coming away from my witchcraft stuff, as my love for it has been rather tarnished by 2018, and focusing more on my mediumship side. So there will be a few changes, but all social media shall continue as before. I will still be doing my videos, so deck flip throughs and reviews. 

Do let me know if there are any products or UK based online companies you would like to see me review and I will see what I can do.

2019 is going to be an amazing, bright, positive and fruitful year and I cannot wait to see what she brings.